School blues....

So... paying for school has been a huge issue for me the entire time I have been going to school. I have only taken grants and loans when shit got desperate. I have tried to solve my money issues by myself. Skip forward many years later and I am out out out of options. I am now applying for scholarships and more FASA just to get two classes paid for. Yep, I am two classes away from getting my AS. Which may not be impressive to you, but I have worked really hard on getting even that far.
It isn't likely that I will be able to get FASA. I have too many credit hours. I have gone through the appeals process once before and it isn't likely that I will be successful a second time. I am hoping that a scholarship comes through but I am not holding my breath. So I will have to wait until next year, or perhaps the one after that to graduate.
I was of the super depressed variety when I figured out I wouldn't be able to finish school this year. I have come to terms with it now. Sometimes I wish I had a wealthy tuition fairy who took care of these things for me. But really, I am glad that I only have a few thousand dollars in student loans. I am glad that it really will only be another year before i can graduate. I have waited this long, what is one more year?

So I have been working on my 30 for 30. I am having a hard time getting back into the writing mode. I have tried at least 30 poems but haven't finished them. I have been doing better with writing in my journal but not as much as I need to.

Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban By JK Rowling

I am re-reading all the Harry Potter books as a part of a read a long with
This is the first book in this series that I actually enjoyed reading the first time I read it. The first two books were slow and really juvenile. I know they are kids books, but I had been told over and over than adults could enjoy these books as well. This is the book that I started to believe that.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione don't bother me any where near as much in this book as they have in the other books. We get a better understanding of the Dark Lord and the people he surrounded himself with in this book.

We meet Professor Lupin (Mooney), Peter Petegrew (Wormtail), and Sirius Black (Padfoot) in this book. Professor Lupin and Sirius Black are some of my favorite characters. I feel bad for Lupin because he has had a hard time of it with being a werewolf. He is a softer and more thought provoking character as you would from a stereotypical werewolf. Sirius Black as it turns out was best friends with James Potter and is actually Harry's Godfather. I like that Harry, by the end of the book, has a Father figure to talk with and look up to. Harry has been so desperate for connection that is nice to see him finally see someone as family. Wormtail, is just a wormy dude who betrayed his friends and he is the lowest of people. He reminds me of wormy people who flip flop between popular kids in high school.

The writing in this book is greatly improved from the first two. I found myself slipping right into the story and forgetting everything around me. When a story can draw me in effortlessly I really dig it. So often I have to force focus on things that I am reading. I have to say that this book has more of a dark tale to it. We learn about Dementors and those fuckers are creepy!

Soooooo, who would I recommend this book to? I would say anyone who digs the fantasy or kid book thing.

I am listening to Wolf Gang as I write this. You should check them out.

Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

So I watched the crap movie with Julia Roberts called Eat, Pray, Love and was not at all impressed with this so called "year long journey" the main character was taking to really figure herself out. I thought this movie was boring at best and highly cliched and irritating at its worst. I found it less about a woman working through her shit (as billed) and more about a romance. Which BLAH at Hollywood! Give me a story that is genuine and don't assume I have to have a hot guy in a movie for me to go see it! (confession.... hot guys don't hurt.... yep I'm a hypocrite)

None of these things apply to the book. I could relate to this writer lady quite a bit. I too have had that moment on the bathroom floor crying and not having any idea how to get myself up. I have struggled with the darkness of depression and learned to cope with it as best as I can. I have also medicated myself once in my depression history with zero luck with it helping me. And a total loss of my ability to express myself. Needless to say, I didn't stay on those meds very long.

Elizabeth Gilbert speaks openly and honestly about the good, the bad, and the ugly all lurking in her closet. She is humble and yet not at all depending on the circumstances. I don't so much relate to a "God" aspect the way that Elizabeth does. I do, however, connect with the voice in your own heart to guide you through the tough bits. I really liked this book. I like the concept of smiling with your liver. And while I half think this means I should drink a little more, I get the concept of letting a smile flow through your body. This is why I have put this on my 30 for 30 list. I want to feel a smile flow through my whole body.

While my personal spiritual journey was completely different; and will always be completely different I can appreciate the hard work. I recommend this book to people who dig the subject of self realization, those going through a spiritual change, or anyone who enjoys good writing. I will put this out there, if you are of the sensitive variety there are several doom and gloom dark moments that can trigger all sorts of internal whatnot. Be prepared, we dive into her icky sicky right with her.

I rocked the audiobook read by the author for this book. I have always been a sucker for writers reading their own work. If you like audiobooks I highly recommend that you get this. You really get a sense of who this woman is through her voice.

While writing this review I have been listening to Adele (19) and the Beatles (Abby Road). What are you listening to?

30 for 30

Every year I try to visit my older brother in Seattle for his birthday. He turned 30 two years ago. He made a list of 30 things he wanted to do for his 30th birthday and checked the list off the weekend around his birthday. I am still waiting for his amazing video blog but other than that he made good progress on the list. If I had a picture of the Gothic photo shoot we did in Lakeview Cemetery I would post it here. For those of you who used to Goth out in the 90's, this is the Cemetery where Bruce and Brandon Lee are buried. Yes, this was my idea. Yes, I am that girl. "It can't rain all the time" even in Seattle. Oh man my brother will be ashamed to know me right now. Thankfully, I don't think he reads this blog.

Fast forward two years and now it is time for me to turn 30. 30 has been everywhere lately. Friends are turning 30 everywhere I look. My own birthday (which isn't until December) is coming up a lot in conversation. My friend recently had me out to Denver for her 30th and while I was there I decided something about my own birthday. I am going to do 30 things for my 30th birthday. I am not going to limit myself to the day or weekend of my birthday. I want to make this a year long journey. I am still working on my list. Something about the last five or so things to do is hard to come up with. I will post a partial list at the end of this blog.

So why? Why come up with a list and push myself to work on things? I don't take enough time on myself and my growth. I get too busy with work, school, and all the rest to remember to better myself. I am terrified of getting older. A couple of months ago I found my first gray hair and had a total melt down. I have been putting myself through hell, beating myself up for not being where I wanted to be by 30. This list is a way for me to work on myself and work through my aging issues, and have a little fun while I am at it.

Here is the incomplete list:
1.30 paintings
2.30 poems
3.new job
4.graduate
5.sunrise photo shoot
6.sunset photo shoot
7.blog every week
8.journal every night
9.meditate every day
10.smile every day
11.amends
12.release weight
13.30 drawings
14.travel somewhere new
15.dream bigger
16.learn to smile with my liver
17.find something beautiful about Utah
18.get drunk with my brother
19.dance
20.10 shows
21.leave my comfort zone
22.design and sew a dress
23.swim without being self conscience about my body
24.make serious progress on my book
25.sit on a porch
26.hummingbird tattoo
27.teach myself intermediate algebra
28.reach my book goal of 150 books read this year
29.Spend more time with my friends
30.Leave an impression

This is Where I Leave You By: Jonathan Tropper

I liked this book. At first I wasn't sure that I would like it, let alone finish it. Sometimes the internal monologue of a Jewish male is pretty far from what I can relate to. I was, sadly, not raised by a crazy Jewish woman. I lived in New Jersey while I was young and I had wished that my Mother was a crazy Jew more than once. As it is she is a crazy Mormon Mother.
This book is about a family shitting Shiva for their recently deceased Father. For those who are unaware Shiva is a Jewish custom of morning for a week with family members. Shiva means seven in Hebrew. You sit either on the floor or close to the floor and people pay their respects by visiting you during this week long period. This family, like my own, has not spent much time all together in quite a while. There is the dysfunction that all families suffer from and then there is the extreme dysfunction.
The main voice of this book is Judd. Shortly before his Father's death from cancer Judd walks in on his wife doing that naked tango with Judd's boss. Judd is floored by the betrayal of his wife and then this devastation is compacted by his Father's death which is compacted, again, when Judd finds out his soon to be ex is carrying his baby.
I can't say that this was a light read by any means. You get right in the thick of Judd's depression and regret. You swim in it with him for most of the book. The last few chapters finally you are pulled up by the hair and things end on a mostly positive note.
The female voices in this book made me think of my friend Albert. If Albert were a Jewish woman, he would have written this book.

I recommend this book to those who can handle a depressing story without it sucking them in too much and those who can relate to mourning. I would also suggest this book to anyone who enjoys a good story. Jonathan Tropper can tell a good story. The individual voices of his characters are all clear, and while sometimes cliched, they are never confused.

Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets By JK Rowling

This is the second book in the Harry Potter series. I am rereading this book as part of a Harry Potter read a long hosted by my good friend

I like this book much better than the first. I love love love the character of Lockheart. He makes me giggle with his arrogance and incompetence. I love that he magics all the bones out of Harry's arm during a quidditch match.

The characters of Harry, Hermione, and Ron are better developed in this book. We get a good look at the dynamic in Ron's family. I really love how real his family is, from the grumpiness to the obvious love from all of them. It reminds me of my own family.

I will say that I don't dig the giant snake and the spider bits in this book. I tend not to enjoy icky icky eeewwww things like snakes and spiders. I do laugh a bit at Ron being terrified at spiders. I like that JK Rowling make the boys in this story a little less obnoxious.

I recommend this book to children and those who don't mind children literature.

Afterlight: The Dark Ink Chronicles by Elle Jasper

I should have known from the cover tag line of "Blood is thicker than ink." That this book was going to be complete shit. Actually, saying this book was complete shit would be an understatement. I have a high tolerance for crappy vampire books and tv shows. I read and reread Anne Rice more than I would like to admit so trust when I tell you that I don't normally hate on crappy vampire books.

This book is like a smutty version of Twilight. Can I just tell you how tired I am of helpless, yet hardened women, who crave... long... lust... for vampires. Even though they could get killed they still bone their vampire boys until they "change." UGH! Enough predictable shit!

This book also uses words like "freakin" and "hellava" way too much. There was zero variety in the vocabulary of Elle Jasper. I also have to say that reading the sex scenes was mostly just gross rather than even slightly erotic. I have written my share of sex stories. I opted to make most of them funny. Frankly, trying to write erotica and have come out as anything other than ridiculous is just a wasted effort.

I wouldn't recommend this book to anyone. From cliched characters to poor writing it just isn't worth the time it takes to read.

The Abstinence Teacher by Tom Perrotta

I didn't know what to think of this book after a few chapters. Now that I have finished this book I am still not sure how I feel about it. I connected with the female lead, Ruth. She really just wanted to tell the truth to the youth she was hired to teach about sex. She was held back by the religious right which was taking over in her community. Growing up in SLC, I grew up in schools that only taught abstinence. I will say this about that brand of curriculum, I started having sex when I was 14. It would have been nice if I had been nice to have been armed with knowledge. This is not to imply I wouldn't have had sex at such a young age. I would have still fucked like a hot bunny even with the knowledge. I just would have been safe from the get go, rather than just being lucky before a gay friend of mine showed me the ins and outs of safe sex.
The Abstinence Teacher brought up a lot of issues for me. My big RED FLAG went up with all the GOD talk in this book. I was worried I had just checked out a book that was trying to convert me. We see Ruth struggle with the religious right not only in her career with them putting a stop to Sex Ed and replacing it with Abstinence teaching; but Ruth also has to deal with the same people in her personal life. Ruth becomes outraged when her daughter's soccer coach holds a team prayer at the end of a game. Frankly, I would have flipped my top. I got my feathers ruffled by the way the Christians in this book talk and act. I felt like I was back in high school and those snotty bitches were calling me the devil again.
I think my personal bias against religious people prevented me from liking Tim. He is the male lead in this book. He is a born again Christian and not having an easy go of it. He is a recovering addict who basically transfers his addiction for drugs to God. Having more than one junkie for a friend I know how easily some flip the switch from heroin to Jesus. I think both addictions are equally dangerous to your well being.

Over all this book was a lot of lead up and talk to an anti climatic end. Did I like it? I can't say for sure. I have been thinking about that since finishing the book. I will say I liked parts of it. Parts of it made me so disgusted with the accuracy of how some people behave I had to walk away from it for a while. Over all I would recommend this book, with the warning that if you have the same prejudice against religious people you may get your panties in a bunch.

The Secret Life of Bees By Sue Monk Kidd

In the last couple of months I have been reading a lot of books and essays set in the South in the 60's. Race relations are something that have come up a lot in my political science classes. While things are better than they were in the 60's it is in reading these works that I see how much more work we still need to do for equality. Today our schools are less diverse than they were in the late 60's. A disturbing number of minorities are incarcerated.

The laws and justice system in this country are racially bias. It is something that comes up in the Secret Life of Bees. Rosaline is treated quite harshly for spitting on a white man's shoes. She is the house keeper for Lilly. Lilly is the main voice in this book. We learn almost equally about bees and people in this book. I loved the way the writer incorporated bee keeping into day to day life and the similarities in relationships.

Lilly's Mother was tragically killed when Lilly was 4 years old. Lilly has always had a hole in her heart where her Mother should have been. Lilly's Father was not a good man toward Lilly. He was overly harsh in his punishments and overly apathetic about her when she was behaving. Neglect and coldness is all Lilly knew from her Father so it wasn't surprising that Lilly grew very attached to Rosaline.

When Rosaline ran into legal trouble Lilly couldn't stop herself from helping her run away. They ran away to a different part of the same Southern state. Lilly has a hard journey figuring out who she is, who her Mother was, what is right or what is wrong. It is a touching and at times overwhelming journey. But in the end Lilly figures out what she believes and knows about herself and the world.

I would suggest this book to anyone who is interested in a good but heavy read.

A Little Bit Wicked: Life, Love, and Faith in Stages By Kristin Chenowrth

I have always thought that I would love to hang out with Kristin Chenoweth, if she weren't so dang nice (this is a bit of a joke from her book). :) I really enjoyed the snap shots of her life that she painted in this book.

I guess I never thought about how annoying it can be to constantly be called short and sweet. I am taller than the average girl and meaner than the average girl, so these things haven't ever been said to me. That isn't to say that I couldn't relate to Kristin. She and I couldn't be more opposite but at the same time, I found a lot of myself in reading her book.

Kristin gave light to how much hard work actually goes into building a Broadway career. She is sweet and endearing in the way she talks about her best gay to her grandpa. There wasn't one point that was a high point over the others in this book. That is the thing about the way that Kristin delivers her story. She rides the highs and lows with the same humility and grace. She drips with normality which you don't often see from people as talented as her.

In reading about Kristin, I went from liking her to really respecting her. I was a pseudo fan of hers when I started and I would say that my fan-ness has also grown from reading about her. I dig anyone who stays true to who they are and doesn't apologize for it. I am not at all religious like Kristin. I don't think I have prayed since my Mother used to make me do it before dinner each night. But I do mediate, I do hold my personal truth near and dear. I found it refreshing to read about someone who isn't afraid to ask for help when she needs it, but for the most part she has to figure things out on her own. I am the same way.

I fully recommend this book to everyone.