Happy Mother's Day. Thank God I am not a Mother.

I am not a Mother. Sure I show love, nurturing, and "motherly" stuff toward the people and dogs that I love, but I don't kid myself. I am not a Mother. For this I couldn't be more happy. I don't consider love and nurturing as a motherly instinct, I think of it as my humanity showing (yes it is almost as embarrassing as my underwear showing but these things happen).

I have been reading the book Spinster: Making a Life of One's Own (review coming as soon as I finish the book and finish stewing about the ideas of marriage and motherhood presented in the book) and yesterday I read a post on a friend's blog about not being a Mother and why you should stop asking her about it.

Between these two recent influences I have been thinking a lot about the choice of Motherhood. I never wanted to be a Mother. I still have ZERO interest in such things. I can't stand seeing a huge belly on my friends. It is disturbing to me in so many ways. It is never my first instinct to congratulate prego women in my life. I feel sad and scared for them. Then I remember they don't think that way and I put on my supportive face and say, as long as you are happy I am happy. I hate what pregnancy does to your body, your mind, your soul, and just generally speaking the overhaul that happens to your life and person. This is why I shouldn't have kids. Let me be clear this is why I shouldn't have kids.

Those same friends whose huge bellies sent my stomach turning and my mind burning with sadness for them have quite the opposite feeling toward their little families (for the most part). I am happy for them if they are happy. I wish all those who have babies, kids, and are in any way a Mother, I wish you a happy Mother's Day. Care-giving in all ways is devalued by society and that is not my goal with this post. I think Mother's are amazing, the epic amounts of shit (both literally and figuratively) takes a stronger person than myself to tolerate. Even my own crazy Mother is amazing and while she drives me bonkers I would never change her. She did the best and does the best now to be the best Mother she can be. For her never ending work and dedication to Motherhood I thank her. I thank all Mothers. I just don't ever want to be one. I am not selfless enough to be a Mother. Only one day a year the people you love the most celebrate you and show you that they are grateful. That is shitty to be so undervalued and unappreciated. So Mothers, I appreciate what you did for you and yours. I just don't want to be you.

I like that my vagina is the same now as it was when I was 20. You may not want to hear about my vagina, but isn't that what you are doing when asking me when I will be having kids? Do you additionally want to hear about my uterus and ovaries? Okay! So as it turns out I have a hostile uterus! Which I fucking love, seriously. I mean come on, that is amazing for a hostile chick like me. I am such a grump that my uterus is also grumpy.

The gyno delivered that information to me with such a serious and sad face I couldn't help but to laugh right in their face. I told them that was the best news I could have ever been given but, I still wanted to get sterilized. I went through some super fun procedures to look at my uterus further and my ovaries. Have I ever told you how fun it is to take a condom covered probe and put it into your snatch while an ultrasound tech sits next to you? So much fun, let me tell you. *Insert awkward pause.

During this process they discovered I have scar tissue on one of my ovaries (the ultrasound doc commented this was likely from "hard child birth", which made me laugh and then feel like vomming all over the place, twice) and a cyst. I was diagnosed with PCOS. Which basically means my lady bits hate me. Which often the feeling is mutual, those bitches. An awesome side effect of PCOS is fertility problems. Again, this is awesome! I still want to get my tubes tied and my uterus scorched. I will take your hostile uterus and raise you a burned and fully deactivated uterus. The down time, however, is not great. The very things that make it more difficult for me to get prego also extend my healing time from getting sliced and diced. I work a manual labor job which doesn't have PTO so taking two months off is a no go for me. So what is a very paranoid girl to do?

Talk to my husband about his junk. What? Isn't that what you are asking about when you ask him why he doesn't want kids? Aren't you asking about the state of his balls and penis? Well since you asked, his balls have been deactivated and his penis hasn't been disturbed. I asked him if he was okay with me discussing his balls on the internet, as it turns out he was fine with it. So we, the overly paranoid couple found a doc willing to snip a young man's balls.

My gyno didn't ask me more than once if I was sure if I wanted to end the possibilities of contracting the plague, aka pregnancy. *Read that as; I am old enough and clear enough when talking about babies and catching the plague that it isn't something people have a hard time believing when I talk about it, obviously. As it was for my younger husband he had to do some work and search for a doctor who wouldn't hold it against him that he is under the age of 30. (Side note, when we got married I was looking 30 in the mouth and it took several conversations to convince me that he was okay with getting married before he turned 30) I understood to some extent the hesitation of the doctors, sometimes twenty somethings change their minds and they don't want to get sued. But at the same time, if someone has been to multiple doctors that should be a clear indication that they are serious and have done the thinking and self evaluation required to make a choice about their own balls.

So he got snipped. I no longer have the fear, the terror of his ejaculations. When I see women in movies saying things like "let's make a baby" or "fill me up" I want to vom. It takes the awesome moments of knocking boots and makes it creepy to me. Now that he is snipped I no longer have the nagging fear between periods (which thanks to the  PCOS are infrequent, like sometimes once every six months). I don't have to obsessively count days. I no longer have to take the birth control pill which fucked up my libido. I no longer have to get the depo shot in my ass every three months. The work it takes not to get prego is now something I don't have to deal with. I love it. I feel free to love my husband without fear.

I have never wanted to live in fear. It drove me crazy in many ways. I stopped wanting to have sex as frequently. I would have nightmares of pain and gore ripping through my body wrecking those parts of me that I spent a lot of time learning to love. I would wake up in a cold sweat and panting like I had been running from zombies for days. In reality, I was just trying to survive life without brewing a new one.

Sex is such a loaded thing for a wide variety of reasons. If you don't want to plague spawn it can be horrifying to watch your beloved partner orgasm. That isn't great for relationships. So the next time you have the urge to ask a childless person or couple why they don't have children or when will they be having kids think before you speak. Would you want them to ask you about the state of your balls, uterus, and ovaries? Do you really want a run down of how and when they fuck? No? Then stop asking. I don't generally ask people when they are going to have children unless they bring it up and I am fully prepared for the answer.

Having children shouldn't be an assumed step for anyone. There are many people who shouldn't be having kids. There are many people who desperately want kids and can't. There are people who can't take care of themselves and or their partners and probably shouldn't be given ideas about bringing another person into the mix. My point is this: Mothers are cool, but not every woman should be one, and really when you think about it honestly and logically you wouldn't want every woman to be a Mother. Not everyone can take on that much work and live through it. I sure can't. Think about how often you see the story in movies, books, and culture in general where a crap Mother ruined someone so much they acted out in terrible ways. Think about that. It is always the Mother's fault. Not only was she responsible for your childhood, good or bad, but she is forever responsible for your behavior. How often do you hear phrases like it "She/he wasn't raised right" "Didn't your Mother teach you better?" "Do you kiss your Mother with that mouth?" Poor Mothers. I am guilty of Mom blaming. I think everyone is. I do not want to accept that much responsibility for the rest of my life. Talk about exhausting.

I think we can celebrate Mother's Day without shaming the non mothers. Happy Mother's Day Momfolk. Happy Sunday nonMomfolk. I hope no matter where you are, who you are, what you are, you are having a good day and good life. I think we should show more appreciation toward Mothers and more respect for non Mothers.

Seriously though folks, stop asking people about their baby making. Try asking questions about who they are, where they are going, and how they are getting there. There is so much more to life than creating a new one. Art in its many forms, books, music, politics, dreams, failures, and disappointments. All of these things should be talked about at great length. Sex should also be talked about, but never without both parties consenting to it and there is so much more to talk about with sex than baby making. Don't force your choices onto others. Don't assume everyone wants to get married and have kids. Single adults are awesome. Coupled adults without kids are just as awesome. Married with kids, also awesome. Moms aren't just the people who birth or adopt. Those people who take on the job of helping raise and teach others are a type of Mom. They too deserve appreciation. I deserve the courtesy of your respect because I know myself well enough to choose what is right for me and my body. Trust me, you wouldn't want a smaller version of me walking this Earth.

I am a pain in the ass. I think too much, too hard, and too fast. I am so many things both good and bad. I accept all of them. I love myself in my ever evolving state. I am not so in love with myself that I am interested in passing bits of myself on. One version of me is enough. Besides, knowing my luck I would end up with a god fearing republican child who hates art but has my shitty attitude and temper. I assure you, the world does NOT need that.

While writing this I listened to Miley Cyrus, Van Morrison, The Black Eyed Peas, Bob Dylan, Katy Perry, and The Beta Band.

Saint Anything by Sarah Dessen

Goodreads Summary:

Peyton, Sydney's charismatic older brother, has always been the star of the family, receiving the lion's share of their parents' attention and—lately—concern. When Peyton's increasingly reckless behavior culminates in an accident, a drunk driving conviction, and a jail sentence, Sydney is cast adrift, searching for her place in the family and the world. When everyone else is so worried about Peyton, is she the only one concerned about the victim of the accident?

Enter the Chathams, a warm, chaotic family who run a pizza parlor, play bluegrass on weekends, and pitch in to care for their mother, who has multiple sclerosis. Here Sydney experiences unquestioning acceptance. And here she meets Mac, gentle, watchful, and protective, who makes Sydney feel seen, really seen, for the first time.

The uber-popular Sarah Dessen explores her signature themes of family, self-discovery, and change in her twelfth novel, sure to delight her legions of fans.


My Thoughts:

I should say up front I love Sarah Dessen books ever so much. I look forward to each new book anxiously and then read them as soon as I can get my paws on them. I have never been disappointed and this book is no exception. It took me under 24 hours to start and complete this book and the slight hit my sleep schedule took was well worth it.

Sydney is every younger sibling who lived in the shadow of a brother or sister with a world of personality and problems. In a lot of ways I could relate to being "the little sister of..." This isn't a slam against my brothers but those experiences lead to me fully relating to this book. While my parents never over reacted with me the way that Sydney's eventually do I could still relate. I love this about Sarah Dessen books. I can always relate, learn something about myself, and remember how I got to where I am.

This book isn't complicated and that is part of why I love it. Straight forward and good story telling is so rare anymore, most people are trying to create the moment of shock or have a catch of some kind. Sarah Dessen doesn't fall prey to the trend of incomplete stories for the sake of selling more books. All of her books have a beginning, middle, and end with clear visions of the possible future. You leave her books feeling better and in a dark and twisty world I think she is a beacon of light.

I would recommend this book to Sarah Dessen fans and anyone looking for a light fast read.

While writing this review I was listing to One Republic - Love Runs Out.